I am a terrible blogger! I promise myself that I am going to keep up with blogging at least twice a month, and then 6 months goes by with zip on here. It almost feels like blogs are a thing of the past….like so last year. But I don’t think I am going to delete this blog. This is where I can say anything and everything if I’m not careful, it’s my little place to just talk my little heart out, not that anyone is actually reading this. My poor husband is probably weary of my loooooooooooooooooooong “talks” we try to have, strangely enough, while he is laying in bed usually falling asleep while I drone on. My vocabulary these days consists of, “NO, stop biting your brother, clean up your mess, please don’t leave your legos on the floor(my poor feet), it’s time for a nap, did you poo poo?, are you hungry?, use your words, stop screaming, is that pee or water on the floor?, don’t hit your sister….. this list could go on for days.
I am what is known as a Mom-Blogger. My definition of this is – Mom’s who blog/unload on the universe, because they have little ones at home and have no other adult interaction for what feels like a hundred thousand hours a day. So if I am being completely honest with myself, how do other women who are stay-at-home-moms do it???????? I seriously thought I was going to be this A-MAZING stay at home mother but…ooops – FAILED! I adore my children to the moon and back and would do anything for them, except allow them to speak to me in the morning before I have had any coffee. Just kidding about that last part. I do love them and I enjoy being at home with them. Especially while my youngest, almost two (sniff), is still learning to talk and has become quite a hat aficionado. She has somehow collected like 20 hats and she’s two, not sure how that happened, but I love it.
My house feels like it’s in a constant state of chaos, and legos everywhere! No thanks to my father-in-law, who thought it would be so nice to give us three giant boxes of all my husband’s childhood legos!!!!!!!! There are not enough exclamation marks to show how unenthused I am about this. I have told myself maybe we should just become total minimalists and have 5 items in our entire house, that way I would never have to clean anything, what a perfect solution. Ok, back to reality, I have had to admit to myself recently that I am not a very good stay at home mother. Inevitably a load of dirty guilt follows this realization. I beat myself up on the daily thinking about this. Why oh why am I not better at this???
This could be mid-life crisis, I will be 33 this year….The truth is, not every woman is cut out to be at home all the time with her kids. There, I said it. For those of you who know me very well can now fall out from shock, I will wait. Are you in utter and complete disbelief that I, Tonisa, have said this, admitted that it’s ok to not really want to be a SAHM??? Honestly, I don’t give myself enough grace. Grace to realize that I am only one person, I cannot do everything, I am not a perfect mother, I will undoubtedly make mistakes along the way, and grace to realize that no matter how hard I think I am failing at this thing called life, I am doing the best I can. God extends us grace every single day, His love for us is boundless. Am I looking at myself the way God sees me? Am I extending grace to myself each day? God sees us as his most prized creation, He doesn’t make junk. I need to stop treating myself as such, and realize that it’s ok to not want to be with my children 24-7. They are the greatest blessings God gave my husband and I, but sometimes mom’s just need a little “Me” time. A breather to refresh ourselves, and regain who we are as individuals. My children are my life but I don’t think God intended for us to get so wrapped up in this thing called motherhood that we lose sight of who He created us to be.
I want to encourage all you young moms out there who may be facing this same reality. Look in the mirror and repeat these phrases until you believe it! I am enough, I am going to give myself grace everyday, My self-worth lies in God, I won’t give up, I love you!